To the People Who Love Me: Understanding My Trauma Responses

If you love someone who has experienced trauma, you’ve probably seen moments that confused or hurt you. The sudden withdrawal. The sharp reaction to something that seemed small. The wall that goes up without warning. The need for space, or the clingy desperation for reassurance — sometimes both, within the same hour.

This article is written from the perspective of someone navigating trauma — a way of saying what’s often too hard to say out loud. It’s also a guide for the people who love them.

What My Trauma Responses Actually Are

My trauma responses are not about you. I know they affect you. I know they’re hard to be around. But when I shut down, pull away, or react in ways that seem disproportionate — I am not choosing to hurt you. My nervous system is doing what it learned to do to keep me safe.

The brain and body remember what the mind sometimes can’t articulate. According to Bessel van der Kolk’s foundational research, trauma is stored not just as memory, but as physical sensation — in the muscles, the breath, the gut. When something triggers that stored memory — a tone of voice, a smell, a feeling of being criticized or dismissed — my body responds as if the original threat is happening again, even when I know, rationally, that I am safe.

What I Need You to Know

I need safety more than I need to be right. When I seem to be overreacting, what’s actually happening is that my nervous system has detected a threat — real or perceived. Logic doesn’t reach that part of my brain easily. What reaches it is feeling safe. Calm voices. Consistency. Not being pushed when I’ve gone quiet.

My walls are not rejection. When I pull away, I am trying to regulate myself. It often has nothing to do with you. I’m not punishing you. I’m trying to survive a moment that feels overwhelming.

I am not my worst moments. Trauma can make people seem volatile, cold, distant, or unpredictable. But that is not the whole person. Underneath the responses is someone who is trying — often harder than you can see — to heal.

How You Can Help

You don’t need to fix me. You can’t fix me — and trying to will often backfire. What you can do is stay steady. Learn what regulation looks like. Understand that your calm nervous system is genuinely calming to mine — this is co-regulation, and research by Stephen Porges and others on polyvagal theory shows it’s not a metaphor. It’s biology.

You can ask: “What do you need right now?” and accept the answer, even if the answer is space. You can resist the urge to take the walls personally. And you can take care of yourself — your wellbeing matters in this too.

If you’re supporting someone with trauma and finding it difficult to navigate, individual therapy — including therapy specifically focused on your own experience as a support person — can help. You don’t need to carry this alone either.

Trauma Support in Brampton and Ontario

At ChngeWrks, we offer trauma-informed individual therapy for adults navigating the effects of past trauma. We also work with individuals who are supporting loved ones with trauma and need their own space to process, set boundaries, and find balance. Virtual sessions are available across Ontario.

Book a free 15-minute consultation today.

References & Further Reading

• van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking.
• Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory. W. W. Norton & Company.
• Herman, J. L. (1992). Trauma and Recovery. Basic Books.
• Siegel, D. J. (1999). The Developing Mind. Guilford Press.
• CAMH. (2023). Understanding Trauma. camh.ca